Dear Mum and Dad,
Thank you for your application to become a parent, it is a tough role with minimal pay and here is the breakdown of your new role. You will be required to possess the following skills:
World Hunger Dispute Manager
You will singlehandedly be responsible for handling the toddler world hunger crisis of 2014. You will need to discover a way to hide 5 daily serves of fruit and vegetables into vanilla yoghurt, because that is the only food we like today.
Wardrobe Stylist to the ‘talent’
You will responsible for ensuring that our batman costume, fairy wings, Bonds Icon Hoodie and yellow gumboots are all ready to go and to be worn (all together) at any time.
We expect you to spend hours creating masterpieces of culinary delight every-single-night but just so you know, we won’t eat them because we only like yoghurt.
Sometimes we don’t like using words. We much prefer screams, tantrums and screeching. You need to understand what we want. Immediately. Otherwise you will be punished with further bellowing and foot stamping.
You are required to learn all nursery rhymes, including the hard ones. We will want them sung (with full actions) 14 times a day. Plus you should learn all the Peppa-pig characters and their catch phrases.
We will let you know at 8.47pm the night before that we have homework due on the situation in North Chechnya. We will guilt-trip you and promise this will be the last time and you will be required to fix this issue and ensure that we get an A+.
Whilst we understand that there are 16 different teddy bears in the house, I want the exact one my sister has. Right now. NOW.
You need to be able to find a solution to the tomato-sauce-and-jelly-in-the-lounge-situation that is currently going on. We have no idea how it happened. Plus, the cat is covered in sunscreen. You should probably sort that out.
In return, we will give you no pay, poor working conditions and absolutely no holidays.You can’t call in sick and probably will never be able to go to the toilet solo again.
Plus, you will be expected to do all this on an average of less than 4 hours sleep a night.
BUT it will be the most rewarding job you will ever have. You will smile and laugh, your heart might even explode with pride. You will shape us and watch us grow. You will see one day that all the sleepless nights and worry were worth it. We are worth it.
Love from your kids x
Read more of Kayana's blogs at The Central Nest